Christian Womens Blog

Christian Womens Blog by Laurie Cole of Priority Ministries

Laurie Cole

Author, Speaker, Teacher

Front Porch Friday: If I’d Known Then Session 2 — How To Avoid Being Hijacked

Have you ever been hijacked? I have! And on today’s Front Porch Friday, I’m going to tell you you about four types of hijackers I’ve encountered and the hard lesson I’ve learned about boundaries.

Click to watch more videos in this series!

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Oh, Laurie I wish I had learned this many years ago. For some reason as a Christian sometimes you think you have to say yes to everything and everyone or the Lord is not going to be pleased with you and then you feel resentful for letting people take advantage of you. I recently got the book Boundaries and for the first time in my life am learning that is not un-Christian to sometimes say no and to avoid people that are sucking the life right out of you. God wants us to sometimes protect our spirit from those who do not have our best interest at heart either knowingly or not meaning us any harm. Thank you for the wonderful work you do for all of us women!

    Reply

  2. Laurie, as I look back in my life,I have been hijacked as well as a hijacker.
    I was taught by my mom to be a nice people pleaser too. She taught me well. As a little girl, I was (and still am) a nice , yes girl, who allowed folk to walk over me. I resemble a beautiful Persian rug kind of gal. When Christ found me, I then thought that I was supposed to be even more of a yes gal. Some family members, especially my husband, walked all over this rug gal, then put me away, on a high shelf, never to be seen or heard of again..especially not heard of. My allowing all of this makes me a hijacker. I poured my heart out, to my church family until they got angry enough that they stopped communicating with me, stopped calling. I love my church family so much, so I don’t blame them. But I can’t forgive my husband yet for leaving my kids and I (20 yrs ago) to then live with a woman who is the love of his lust. Yes, we r still married (33 yrs). It has taught me that God is my eveything.

    Reply

  3. Even prior to being saved, I have always been a people-pleaser. I have allowed so many to suck the life out of me. With God’s guidance, I have learned from who and when to walk away. It has taken SO many of the burdens off of my shoulders, the burdens that I would carry around for others until I was lying face down in the dirt from the weight of it all. And I realize God is not asking me to turn away from these people but rather to allow Him to take care of them so that He can take care of me.

    BUT, there is one I cannot seem to turn away from, my mother. She is all 5 types of drainer at different points of the day, week, month and year. I had cut her off for about 7 months while I dealt with the darkest time in my life and the Lord guided me to where I am now. So I decided it was time to reintroduce my mother into my Christ filled life. Within 3 days of talking to her, I have already begun to feel her burdens weighing me down, making me feel hopeless and drained of life. I ask for wisdom in my prayers in what I should do but the message seems clouded, and the message I THINK I am hearing I want to deny. Surely the Lord is not asking me to cut her off again completely? How do you set boundaries with close loved ones??

    Reply

    • Oh, SuJean, my heart goes out to you. You’ve asked hard questions. I wish I could give you easy answers but there are none, because setting boundaries is hard. I can, however, encourage you to read the first paragraph you wrote. It’s like night and day from your second paragraph. And I can also exhort you to get the two books I recommended (Foolproofing and Boundaries). You need them both. Now. Both are Bible-based and will help you answer the hard questions you’re facing. Take courage, precious sister, because truth can set you free, and Christ can empower you with the strength you need to stand firm. You were brave to share your testimony. Stay brave as you pursue truth and put it into practice. Praying for you, SuJean.

      Reply

      • Wow. As I sit here with my mouth hanging open, I just knew I had to share this with you. This evening (after listening to my mother’s eight 15 minute voicemail, I just about lost my mind. Every message was condemning, finger pointing, threw guilt into my lap and then finally angry.

        I called her, SURE it was going to end in another six months (or more) without speaking to each other. Through tears of sadness and frustration, I spat out that she needs to stop! I don’t need her to FIX me. I don’t need her to condemn me and remind me of every mistake I have made my entire life. I didn’t need her to try to take control of my life. I reminded her that it was SHE who taught me to how to be strong. I told her that if she truly believed in God, His grace, His mercy, and that He will take care of us, then she needs to believe that He will do that for me, that HE will be the one that will fix me. I reminded her that she cannot pick and choose what she believes God will do for us and how He will provide.

        She APOLOGIZED. Imagine that. My Korean mother who has been right all her life and has drained me all my life apologized and said I WAS RIGHT and that we just need to pray and trust God completely.

        Listen up, ladies, if my mother can apologize and admit to her draining ways, I promise, there is hope for all of us. She’s Asian and is the epitome of the mother in “Battle Hymn for a Tiger Mother.”

        It was probably one of the scariest things I have ever done in my life, and I’m a tough cookie. But I realized that boundaries MUST be set in order to salvage this relationship. I went to her broken just as the Lord wants us to be for Him and she listened.

        Thank you, Laurie for your words that are short but powerful and surely directed by the grace of God. It is no mistake God landed this message at the same time as my attempts at reconciliation with mom.

        Reply

        • SuJean, I’m so excited that I could just do a cart wheel! Thank you for this glorious update. You honestly and courageously shared your heart with your mother in such a beautiful way. I am overjoyed at the way God spoke to her “Tiger Mother” heart and by the humble way she responded. Hallelujah! SuJean, you have no idea how grateful I that you posted all of this. I know the Lord is going to use it many times over in the lives of other women. You glo big time, girl! Love you and thank God for you.

          Reply

  4. Laurie, over two years ago I learned a hard lesson on boundaries. The specific book that the Lord directed me to was Setting Boundaries With Your Adult Children by Allison Bottke. Some other books are referenced within, which I also read. I began to realize that the problem was not just with one of my children but that there were some things in me the Lord was trying to get me to change. I am very much like you–a people pleaser and oftentimes too nice. By that I mean, I allowed my family to talk and treat me in ways that were very dishonoring and disrespectful. I didn’t like it but didn’t know how to change the behavior–on both our parts. The book on boundaries was very insightful, encouraging and an invaluable life-saver. I so agree with what you said–our good intentions can very well be keeping someone from fulfilling their God-given purpose and plan. In this whole boundary process, I am continually learning how to back off (and not care to the extent that I enable), stand up (for myself) and speak out (never letting others treat me in an unacceptable way). Thanks for this week’s message. . .just wished I had learned it so much sooner!

    Reply

    • Thanks for recommending the Allison Bottke book, Debbie! Sounds excellent, and your testimony was right on target. Amen, sister!

      Reply

  5. I thank the ladies who are posting concerning too nice-people pleasing-hijacked women who need to allow God to fulfill HIS plans, purposes for us and for others. I also am praying for HIS wisdom and His peace that passes human understanding. Again, muchas gracias and God bless all of you amazing women.

    Reply

  6. Hi Laurie…I really struggle with a very controlling family. I am 51, married with 2 adult daughters and we have a very open & respectful & close relationship…but it is the family that I was born into that literally sucks the life out of me…you can never do enough to make them happy, they are manipulative & controlling. When I cut them off completely, I feel a great sense of relief and freedom & my life is full of joy and peace.But is it Godly?

    Reply

    • Is it godly to cut your parents off completely? Maybe. Maybe not. Just like SuJean’s hard questions (above), it’s impossible for me to give you the right answer. But I can tell you that God doesn’t want a married adult woman to be controlled by her parents — I’m sure you know that, and you’d never do that to your own adult daughters So please, Suzanne, get the two books I recommended. You will devour them — they are soooo good and soooo encouraging. Seek God’s peace, and seek God’s boundaries. Praying He will give you both very soon. Love!

      Reply

  7. I can relate to Suzanne. My in-laws are the very manipulative and controlling, as well, and we’ve had to cut them out of our lives except via emails. Our life as a family is much more peaceful and relaxed now. We have joy and are able to enjoy our life together. We’ve talked to Christian counselors and our pastor and feel this is the right decision, but his parents always use Bible verses against us to try to make us feel guilty, like we are the ones who are in the wrong because we won’t “forgive”. We’ve forgiven, we just don’t want reconciliation. There’s a difference.

    Reply

  8. Wise people seek wise counsel (Prov. 1:5. 11:14, 12:15), and your testimony has encouraged all of us to do just that — especially in complicated family situations. Thanks, too, for your comments about forgiveness and reconciliation. God always requires us to forgive, but He doesn’t always require us to reconcile (Matt. 6:14-15; Rom. 12:18). Melissa, you’re one wise woman. Thanks for blessing the blog today!

    Reply

  9. Boundaries seem to be hardest with family! I truly feel like I have been hijacked and that family problems from other members are consuming me with worry and guilt. I struggle with how to be biblical yet let folks live out the intentions that God has for them. I have the Boundaries Book and know that I need to re-read sections so that I will be lead by God, not by fear and or guilt. Thanks Laurie for this front porch talk!

    Reply

  10. I am definitely one of the biggest people pleaser! I am one to always say yes and be way to nice. Whatever people needed me to do: whether it was borrowing money or doing this and that for them, I would always say yes. Especially when it came to going out to eat, I am the one who always says, “No worries, if you don’t have enough or don’t have anything, I will pay.” I have allowed many to take control of my life and suck the life out of me. Recently, I have learned that it is ok to say no and that I don’t always have to be a people pleaser all the time. I have learned to set boundaries without feeling guilty or afraid.

    But the hard one for me is family. I have a brother who likes to control my life; telling me what to do and even controlling my bank account. He treats me with disrespect and won’t allow me to grow into my own person; to be my own person. It is a struggle everyday. I feel like I can’t do anything because being raised in an Asian family, you are taught to respect your elders. The worst part is: whatever my brother says, rubs off on my parents. So I always feel like I get stepped on.

    Reply

  11. Dear Jackey,
    I can relate to what you are going thorugh and how you feel. I am Asian too and was raised as a big people-pleaser. Pleasing others is a morally right thing to do, a must. I was well rewarded to be a peole-pleaser, and my life was just wonderful, receiving all sorts of awards and praises as a high achiever, until I got married with a very munipulative, controlling and abusive man. My life was so misearable in that marriage, but I allowed myself to stay in that destructive relationship. I am still reaping the conseguences of not standing up, saying no and walking away when I was treated so wrong. Thank God my children’s father filed divorce when I finally said no to one thing: refusing to cahs out home equity to support his gambling addiction …

    I will pray for you and here all the sisters can support each other. Do not be afraid, for God your Lord is with you and He uplift you.

    Vivian

    Reply

    • Vivian,
      Thanks so much for your input. I am glad to hear you are now away from a man that was controlling and abusive to you. For me, it is harder to do so since he is my older brother, but all I can do for now is continue to pray for him and pray for myself. Thank you for your prayers.

      Reply

  12. Your teaching is wonderful and very well articulated. I am now reassessing the hijacksers of my life and am sure to make sure I do not allow myself to be in that category. Thank you for a wonderful ministry! God bless

    Andree Jackson Rogers

    Reply

  13. Great subject to speak on Laurie! I needed to hear that, and most of all, apply it! Thanks for this good word from the Lord!

    Reply

  15. Laurie, great message on boundaries. Yes i was almost hijacked recently! It was by 1 of the 4 hijackers. This hijacker was the “controller”. When they call or txt its like “chicken little” yelling & panicked “the sky is falling”!! in most cases its usually because their lack of planning has now become some elses sudden emergency. Prov 22:3 says “Wise people see danger coming & get out of the way but the simpleton goes straight into it & suffers the consequences”. Thanks for the teaching to be wise and keep good and godly boundaries firmly in place. Love!

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *