Moonlight, roses, and puppy love
If we were to do a survey among married couples and ask them why they got married, more than likely, the majority would answer, “Because we were in love.” And that’s not a bad thing. Marrying without emotional involvement would be sad.
Being “in love” is all about feelings, and it is wonderful. It is music in the moonlight, stars in your eyes, love notes and roses, pounding hearts, and tingling excitement. It is chemistry, romance, and it is fantastic! We call it “puppy love,” and it is what attracts you to each other in the beginning.
The problem with puppy love
Most couples who get married do so because they’re in love, and they believe the feelings that brought them together will keep them together. The problem with that is it’s not realistic because feelings are unreliable and can’t be trusted.
Feelings can change daily, depending on many external factors. If you have a relationship which is based solely on how you feel, then when those feelings fade, so will your relationship. If the only reason you got married is because you were “in love,” then there will be no reason for you to stay married when the feelings are no longer there.
Now playing in court rooms everywhere
This is played out in court rooms across America every day, and is the major reason that so many marriages are ending in divorce. Almost every couple who ends up standing in front of a judge because they are no longer “in love,” started out standing in front of a preacher because they were “in love.”
Being in love is wonderful, but it isn’t real love, and it isn’t enough. Love is the most beautiful word in the English language, yet it is also the most misunderstood and abused word, as well. Americans say “I love you” in the same sentence with “I love pizza” or “I love my new car,” because this is a culture which equates love with emotion and the gratification of personal desires.
How does God define love?
In last week’s post, you learned that in order to have a “Marriage on the Rock,” you must be willing to do things God’s way. That starts with understanding and accepting God’s definition of love, which is completely different from the world’s definition.
It only makes sense to get the true definition of love from the One, who not only understands love, but who actually IS love. God says that love is something you do. Nowhere in the Bible is love ever equated with what you feel, but only with what you do.
Real love cares, it gives, it sacrifices, it bleeds, and it’s willing to die. You can know this because the Bible says that “God is love,” and this is the way He demonstrated His love for you on the Cross: He cared, He gave, He sacrificed, He bled, and He died.
Love is not what you feel for someone. Love is the attitude you have toward that person, and as a result, how you treat them. There is a big difference between the sacrificial commitment of loving someone, and the emotional involvement of being in love. Being in love is wonderful, but no marriage can sustain the emotional force that brings you together. Being in love will fade, so expect it to happen.
But what about moonlight and roses?
I’m not saying you won’t enjoy the romantic feelings that brought you together off and on all throughout your marriage. But you must understand that the kind of marriage that lasts a lifetime can’t be built on feelings. Puppies and teenagers can be “in love,” but “loving” is for grown-ups.
When you’re committed to having a marriage on the Rock, God will replace feelings with something far better. There will be a mutual giving, sharing, caring, comforting, knowing, and blending together.
The physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual oneness which comes with loving is much more exciting and fulfilling than the feelings that come from just being in love. Loving God’s way lasts a lifetime and gets sweeter and grows stronger with each passing year.
Making this kind of commitment to God and to each other is a CHOICE. But it’s not just making a choice to commit, it is also making a choice to change if necessary:
• It isn’t about changing your spouse, it’s about making changes in your own life when needed.
• It’s about becoming responsible for who and what you are and for where you are in life.
• It’s about no longer blaming others or your circumstances for your behavior or excusing your behavior by saying, “Well, that’s just the way I am.”
2 truths to accept
If you want to have a marriage on the Rock, you must be willing to accept two truths:
- Who and what you are today is because of the choices YOU have made in the past.
- YOU are 100% responsible for all the choices you have made.
You may have things in your past you wish you could change. That is reality, and living in the past won’t change that. You must choose to live beyond your past and begin to take responsibility for all your own future choices.
Dr. Gary Smalley says, “Humans are a lot like cars. When we were young, we had “warranties” – reasonable expectations that our parents and others could fix most of our problems for us. But as adults, our warranties are up. We have to say, ‘If my life is in need of repair, I’m the one responsible for getting it fixed.’”
Where do you go from here?
In last week’s post, you learned that in order to build a “Marriage on The Rock,” you must purpose in your heart to do things God’s way, not your own way, and not the world’s way. I hope and pray that you’ve already made that decision. And if you have, this means you will also:
- Understand God’s definition of love and make the CHOICE to sacrificially love your husband for life.
- Take full responsibility for all the CHOICES you’ve made in the past and will make in the future.
- Admit where YOU’VE been wrong, and make the CHOICE to change if necessary.
The sparks from puppy love may have ignited your marriage. But God’s love can keep that fire burning and growing for a lifetime. Ultimately, however, the choice is up to you. Will you choose to love God’s way and build your marriage upon the Rock?
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Susan Gadd is a wife, mom, grandmother, and Bible teacher. She and her opposites-attract husband Emory have been married 47 years, and they have enjoyed teaching and mentoring hundreds of couples for over 25 years at Sagemont Church in Houston, Texas.
Copyright © 2013. Susan Gadd.
All Rights Reserved. Used by permission.
Watch Session 2 of Marriage on The Rock — “Puppy Love is Only for Puppies” — with Susan and Laurie now!
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